old soul, relationships, rants, typical

i'm just going to jump right into to it. growing up, i always thought i was mature. way more mature than one person, or the other. i just felt mature. maybe because i saw a lot of things at a young age that may have MADE me become mature, or "older for my age".. but non-the-less, i was determined that i was way more mature for my age.

then relationships started. and i'm sure you can guess what i thought. i thought i was SO ready for relationships, because i mean i had 10 years in maturity compared to the next girl my age (okay, i didn't think this so bluntly, but deep down.. this is what i thought and i realize it now that i'm older). i remember the first time i really thought i liked a boy. it was the summer before 8th grade, and he played on my best guy friends baseball team. we started "going out" 7/11/07. (i remember this date because my best guy friend started to date brooke- who has become one of my very best friends- the same day, and they dated for years).. anyways, i spent the summer in bliss, thought i had relationships all figured out. but boy was i wrong. i would get so jealous over the little things, cry when he wouldn't want to hang out one day, was DETERMINED half the time that he liked someone else. and one day, i broke up with him.

so let's pause for a second, if you know me well, you know how bad i am with screwing relationships up, for lack of a better phrase. i always jump the gun when i have a "feeling" that it just isn't right anymore. maybe because when things would get hard with my parents, they would just split up. over and over and over again. who knows, but it's just something i've always done, in every relationship. sigh.

anyways, back to my story. so i soon realized what a mistake i made, how i "lost the person i loved".. so i spent the next year trying my hardest to get him back. so so so stupid. like really cass, you're in 8th grade? i promise no relationship that young is gonna work for you. (this is big bad older cassidy speaking to younger naive cassidy). but, for a year i tried my hardest to get him back, with very little success, i mean we kissed again almost a year later.. then the one day, i decide i'm over it; he decides he wants it. TYPICAL. i mean there's more to it, but has no relevance to the point of this post.

so i spent the summer doin' my thang, recovering from my heartbreak, being so angry at him for dating one of my best friends right after me (typical middle school drama).. i just was hangin with my best friends, was SO excited to be going into high school- because FINALLY, i would be with people 1-4 years older than me, and i would be with people at my maturity level, right? (ew younger cassidy bugs me sometimes). so i met an immature boy in my health class, we sat next to each other, we decided we would become fiances (and i thought i was mature? holy shit... fake fiances, really?), and held hands often. we liked each other, but then a girl that liked him in 7th grade (who was my friend) decided she was not okay with it, and wanted us to break up. OOOOP here we go, cassidy jumping the gun and doing just that. ending things with the health boy. he spent the rest of the year hating me (but secretly not), sending me weird texts all year.. random phone calls.. where at this time i had moved onto this OLDER boy, and thought it was perfect because he was older and my mentality was older, so PERFECTION, right? wrong. it was a short lived relationship where i spent most the time convincing myself that he was more than a best friend.

so like any teenager should, i spent the rest of my freshman year with random flings and not really caring but caring too much at the same time. how that works, i'm not sure; but i'm sure you get what i'm saying.

so beginning of my sophomore year comes, and i waste time with other boys, would be "seriously" talking to some boy, but also secretly crushing on his friend, but wanting to go to homecoming with his other friend (i really wasn't a bad person, just a young girl; i swear).. but then health boy came along again, and i was like "wow he's matured so much, and he's so hot; so i want him".. so threw him into the mix, but really did start to like him again. so being all "mature" i chose to go to homecoming with him instead of the other boy, so rudely of me.. because i had found out i was moving 3 days after homecoming, so why wouldn't i spend homecoming with the boy i really liked, for my last one in michigan. which to this day, i don't regret; but i regret hurting feelings. anyways, so we had the best time ever, and i really thought i loved the kid. 3 days later, Oct. 19. 2009, i moved across the country, with a drawing of my name, his picture and his kiss to take with me. i truly was heart broken, and i wasn't going to let moving across the country stop our love.

so here we go again, me thinking, well i'm 15.. i can make a long distance relationship work. i mean i visit to michigan twice a year, and he can come here too; because what 15 year old doesn't want to spend the money they have on plane tickets for a relationship that's pure fantasy? wait, NONE should want that, but then again.. i was naive and so was he. so let's get back to the story. so we dated a whole 10 months with only seeing each other a total of 33 days. we spent most of our free time skyping each other, on the phone, and no matter what we were constantly texting. and i thought this was healthy for a 15 year old. we spent a whole month together, rarely fighting, constantly laughing, and a lot of bad decisions. but i was utterly happy, young and in love- i would always tell myself.

i got home, and was supposed to be seeing him in one short month, but somehow i got my eyes set on another OLDER boy, who was 3 years older. he had just graduated high school, and i was going to be a junior.. i was like CHA-CHING, in my mind. (idiot) ending a relationship, and a few make outs later.. that's all it was, was a few make outs. and of course, i had ended it with health boy. i can say i was devastated when i found out he spent his ticket money to buy a dirt bike, and i knew it was over. so bring on the melodramatics, because that was i was.. i couldn't even fathom that i wouldn't be seeing him for at least 6 months.. we kept talking, but i went into my junior year.

i was hanging out with new people which brought on new boys.. i befriended a boy.. i'll call blondie. he was JUST a friend, wasn't the typical guy i liked, and we talked about another boy that was taking me to homecoming, and he would give me "advice".. and after homecoming, i became super sick, he brought me treats.. and i remember one specific time, my mom was driving me home from the store from getting pudding and he said "well let me know, i'll bring you a drink or candy or whatever".. CANDY. i was like DUH. come over. that was the beginning of a very long, stressful, but amazing relationship. blondie and i grew from good friends to my longest relationship. we fought often, we kissed often, we went to several dances, and spent as much time together as we could. in this time, health boy started dating my best friend from michigan, which brought a lot of confusion to me and blondies relationship.. but it was what it was, and while healing of a heartbreak, i fell for blondie. we dated on and off, and when i say on and off, i stress ON AND OFF for 3 years. we have had the most crazy roller coaster, that never ends. we are complete opposites, but couldn't/can't help but love each other. we broke each others hearts, several times.. but kept coming back. it was a disaster but one i would never take back.

we broke up for good last february, around this time actually.. he decided to serve a mission for the LDS church; i chose a different path. and we didn't agree on anything. quite frankly, we didn't talk for months. up until the last month before he left on his mission. then i think we both kind of knew this was like make or break, and how things are.. no one knows, that's a whole nother story.. not for today.

my point is, i grew up believing i had it all figured out; where in reality i HAD NOTHING figured out when it came to relationships. my friends would always come to me for advice, and i would know exactly what to tell them to fix the issue but had the biggest problem with practicing what i preached. i mean it's easy to tell your friend "they deserve better" because you can see their worth, and in your own disaster of a relationship, you can't see your own worth. you can't even fathom to think that you deserve something better than someone you love so much.

i've had a couple relationships since then, one that completely blind sided me and left me gasping for air. i don't have everything figured out when it comes to relationships. not one bit, like i said above. i see my friends getting married, and making those commitments; and they were the ones that seemed to be the ones that would wait the longest to get married for how cautious they were. but here i am, attending their receptions, going to THEIR baby showers.. and i'm the single one, when they all thought i would FOR SURE be the first to get married. are there days that i'm sad that i haven't found my one true love? sure i am, it would be nice to lay in bed in the dark with the one i love most and talk about sweet nothings. but i don't have that. not yet.

i have gone through so many phases in these short but oh so long 20 years. no i don't think i wasn't mature for my age, growing up. i know for a fact in some aspects of my life, i became an old soul; but that did not mean i was born with this outline in my head of how everything is going to be. i learned the importance of honesty in relationships, how selfless you really need to be, how to love unconditionally, and how to go out and buy his favorite treat to end an argument that you were SURE you were in the right. relationships are something that no one will have a whole handbook for each situation you may run into. but throughout my life, i learned patience from baseball boy, i learned to cherish time you spend with your loved ones from health boy, and i learned the true meaning of loving someone with blondie. and maybe someday, it will work out with one of them, and we'll have this cute love story that people can make a movie about. and maybe i won't even have encounters with them again, besides random flashes of our memories.

the insecure side of me says i'll be forever alone, and then the REAL cassidy believes in fate, true love, and soulmates. one day it will all make sense for why i went through all that i did with boys. it will make sense why i had to hear how "not good enough" i was so that i could teach myself to find my self worth by myself, without approval from a guy. MAYBE just maybe, my soulmate could be walking out to their car from a movie when i leave work today after closing my store, and our cars are right next to each other. you never ever know. and for now, i'm okay with just waiting, and enjoying my life. because while all my married friends might have love, i have my youth right now to do what i wanna do; go places i wanna go, and really grow into a cassidy that is worth loving every fiber of. because before i can't fully allow someone to love me completely, i need to learn to completely love myself; and at the age of 20, i just haven't completely achieved that. so prince charming, my channing tatum, soul mate; wait for me boo, i'm working on me so i can be the best version of me for you.