Thursday, September 26, 2013


 "you don't need water to feel like you're drowning."

k guys, how true is that? honestly.. there have been some times in my life when i truly felt like i was suffocating, "drowning".. in people, rumors, thoughts.. situations that i had little to zero control over. then there's the upside/scary side of drowning. when you start drowning in love with someone.. am i right? it's like you're up to ^^*here*^^ in wanting to find out more about them, wanting to have more of them to yourself.. and then you feel yourself start sinking, losing control, drowning in your love for them. then there's the drowning in pain, which is how i feel like i'm drowning most times. i just get so worked up in things, let myself get vulnerable.. like Cassidy VanSolkema not having her shit all together? i know guys, weird.. ;) but in all seriousness, for example, Courteney (my sister) thinks i am UNTOUCHABLE, that i am the strongest person on this planet and that i could take the devil on with one hand tied behind my back and a blindfold on. that expectation is hard, don't get me wrong.. i love being that for her, the one person she feels like she can count on, the one person who can save her from all evil.. but what happens when the day comes that she grows up and sees that i am not in fact, untouchable. she doesn't see the times that i struggle, because i make it that way. i often find myself drowning in many ways, good and bad.. i mean, i can't swim.. so i LITERALLY could drown, not just figuratively.. but in a figurative sense, i am learning to swim again, with full lungs of water.. and hopefully i will resurface soon. because i sure as hell hate this feeling of drowning.

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