rant

if you don't like rants, don't read!

this morning my step sister dragged me out of bed to go to church with her, literally 8:30 in the morning, which is WAY early for me. i was not into going, but i just felt like i should.. so i tagged along.

at first i was uncomfortable cuz i'm used to the formal mormon church, and this was more "in the now". singing rock songs and whatever, holding your hands in the air. but that's not the point of this.

the paster started talking about perceptions of God and Jesus, and how people see them differently. some people see God as a disciplinarian, others see him as a judge, and other see him as a protector. he showed pictures off the internet of different ideas of God; one with God with a angry face, one with him pointing and lecturing, and one that was loving; and basically got to the point that society can ruin the real God. make accusations of how God really is, when really; we don't know. we rely on our faith of God, and that's what makes it so special; every relationship is different, He looks at us as INDIVIDUALS, not just a group of people he plopped down on this earth. He put us all here for a specific purpose to impact others, the world, whatever it may be, we literally ALL matter! yeah, everyone has their own way of talking to Him, and whatever. but does God really JUDGE US, OR DISCIPLINE US? i honestly don't think so. there's nothing given to us in this life that doesn't have have a purpose.

when i was walking in, i passed a guy in a wheel chair, thinking nothing out of the ordinary. but the pastor said "i mean, looking at drew back there; suffered from a car accident, 3 months ago. lost feeling in his legs and is slowly gaining mobility back. God has a plan for him, and maybe not physically is helping him right now, but in so many other ways, He's helping spiritually.. helping him become stronger emotionally, and is showing him that God is there." that hit me soooo hard, like 20 minutes before that, i walked passed this man, not knowing his story. how he got in that wheel chair. it really showed me that we truly NEVER know what's going on in other peoples lives. we seriously have no idea what's floating around in others peoples heads, we have NO right to judge others actions because we don't know what demons they're fighting day by day.. whether its self harm, drug/alcohol abuse, parent issues, emotional/physical abuse, depression.. EVERYONE has demons. not one person on this earth is a perfect human being. the devil attacks on everyone, and especially the weak; so we have no right to sit and contemplate why people are doing what they're doing. because i know, in my weakest moments and when i make bad decisions, the LAST thing i want is for someone to look at me and judge me, and look down on me.. and expect me to be better. people need UNCONDITIONAL love, no matter what. i know for myself, all i need is people to love me and be there for me when i feel weak. and:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

i don't need people to sit there and tell me i need to be more, and better, and different then who i am. which brings me to the next point.

the pastor, he talked about how he saw God as someone he had to serve. to please. to make feel proud of him and his decisions. this growing society is all about MORE MORE MORE, DIFFERENT, FASTER, GIVE ME MORE, UPGRADE ME, MAKE IT BETTER! there's never a time where it's not going on, where people's brains stop moving a million miles an hour. everyone is constantly stressing, whether it's about moving up in the company they work for, to make their spouses content with being with them, pleasing your parents with the choices you're making.. whatever it is, its always about this "more" "better" "different" concept. WHY?! tell me why?! i mean, i'm all for progressing and becoming a better you. but do you think God expects us to be BETTER, MORE, DIFFERENT? He knows what were capable of, he knows the greatness we hold in our hearts, and He will lead us in the right direction IF YOU LET HIM. He doesn't judge, he knows humans aren't perfect.. HE MADE US THIS WAY, He knew we needed to struggle to become a better you and needed to be taught lessons on our own. He let's us live our lives and deal with the consequences, because He knows our plan. no matter how much you may feel like others are judging you based on your decisions, it's no ones right to judge. God is the only one who can judge you, and HE DOESN'T. he LOVES you, CARES for you, PROTECTS you, and LEADS you if you let him. nobody knows your story, and maybe they do, but they don't know how you FEEL when you kneel down and pray to God to take it all a way. 

it seriously amazes me, everyday! just recently i really started TALKING to God. started telling him all my problems and what i'm struggling with, thanking him for all the good.. i started reading my scriptures; and i really have changed. i have some amazing friends and family that are there for me 24/7 and especially lately with losing a good friends, deciding to move, and all the other shenanigans in life. but there is no one i feel more comfortable talking to then God. the feeling that there is NO judgement, that there's no lecture to come after spilling my heart, soul and guts out; that after those hard moments, you can feel at peace. because when you give your life over to God, and you live knowing that you have a protector, and guardian angels (shout out to Court, Syd and all my others).. were really not alone, ever. and i don't know about you guys, but that brings me more peace then anything else. the moment that i'm laying in bed letting my mind race a million miles an hour, thinking of all the things i need to do, the things i need to change, the stress of money, being MORE, being BETTER, being DIFFERENT then who i used to be.. i just need to stop, talk to God... and be at peace for just 10 damn minutes of the day.. and He will LISTEN, actually LISTEN. won't be thinking of what to say next to make you feel better, not thinking about how to one up you on the stress/struggle scale.. JUST TO LISTEN. those are the moments that i feel at peace, i feel understood, and i don't feel alone.