it's one of those nights where you just sit in your misery and want answers. i went outside to just clear my head, and the cold air always helps me do that. sitting on the rocking chair, i just started sobbing. maybe it was because i just watched the episode where dan on one tree hill kills keith, and that kid has the gun that got me crying- who knows. but i was just sitting there. crying. sobbing. just asking for clarity on what i'm supposed to do next, how i'm supposed to live this life, and do what's right by me and by my loved ones.
i sat and thought to myself:
"court, if you're here with me; please show me a sign"
and i'm not kidding you, swear on my life.. a gust of wind came over me and a couple snow flakes landed on my face where the tears were already cold, and i got my answer.
i just wanted comfort that the only person i feel, understands me because he's seen it all from heaven, was there with me even for a moment.
as you can imagine, the tears came down harder.. and i sobbed it out. I LET MYSELF FEEL.
and i listened to the dead plant on my right side clatter against itself, and i felt comfort.
in my misery, i felt comfort.
although physically i might of been alone, but spiritually; i was full with presence by the one person that could have helped.
i knew if he were there sitting by me he would just cradle my head and let me cry, and let me FEEL.
feel all the pain i am right now in not knowing about ANYTHING in life right now, the pain of feeling alone and straight up lost.
i didn't even know why i was crying. i just was.
no particular reason, just was crying.
some people have this image of me being this strong girl that can get through anything, cuz that's all i've done my whole life. and not only do people have that image of me, but i do OF MYSELF. i don't like to let myself feel weak.. it's just not who i am. but i'm telling you right now, even the ones who seem strong, need a good breakdown. whether its 1:30 am or in the middle of the hallway at school..
but court knew i needed just that little bit of wind and snowflake shower to feel okay in my misery for just a couple minutes. that he was reassuring me that it's OKAY to feel, it's OKAY to feel lost and not on track; because he knows i will get through it, cuz he's watched over me for the past 8 years and seen me overcome major obstacles.
it may seem silly to some of you that i would take those things as "signs", but sitting there alone, with my frozen cheeks from tears, and feeling comfort.
i knew right then that i'm never alone.