Sunday, February 3, 2013

i'm lost

i'm up late (as usual) and i can't stop my mind from racing.

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.
why did i end things with the one person i love?
why did he have to do the things he did?
WHY did i have to fall in love with him?
am i supposed to move back to utah and face him?
face all the things i ran away from?
am i supposed to stay here and be unhappy?
why is it so hard for me to not be bitter towards God when crappy things keep coming even when i'm following him and praying every night?
am i supposed to have my meniscus surgery and risk 8 months more here?
do i leave my knee in risk of a knee replacement?
esthetics school?
regular school?
how the hell am i going to work without my brace?
can i really leave my job i love so much?

all these questions running through my mind constantly, day and night. it never ends. i never seem to know what i want anymore. i'm not happy. as you probably can tell by my blog.

my step mom brought up a really good point the other day... my blog used to be all "i did this and this, and i love my friends, and i can't wait for the dance.. i can't wait to do this and this"...
now all it is is me saying I'm knitting (allllllll the time), watching shows 24/7, and i'm bored.
not just bored but lost. i look at pictures from the past and i don't even recognize myself because i was so happy! and i don't remember the last time i felt blissfully happy.

i have no idea what i want in life anymore let alone what i want to do tomorrow.. (but let's be honest, i'll probably sleep all day, eat, knit, watch shows, and repeat).

i don't feel like me anymore, i feel like i've completely lost myself; again.
and right now, i don't know how to get her back.
and i don't even know who she is anymore.


  1. Everything will be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end.
    Youre in my prayers, as always. I love you Cassie. You will find her. But you're going to have to go through some rough stuff first.
    1 Peter 1:7
    Matt 9:22

  2. cass i honestly feel the EXACT same way.
    there is nothing worse than just feeling stagnant. tiff is right though, everything is going to be okay, and everything will work out how it is supposed to. good hell, it's SO hard at times! i totally get that, and feeling lost and not yourself is probably the worst feeling in the entire world. but, you're a strong girl cassidy. you've pulled through some heavy shiz, and there's no doubt in my mind you can handle this. follow your heart, God trusts you, and he is so proud of the progress you have made.. if you ever need anything or need to talk i'm just a phone call away. love you girl!