Thursday, October 4, 2012

my very best friends birthday

so, it's midnight here; and i realize it's only 10 pm in Utah right now, but i will celebrate the birth of this girl as long as i possible can. i don't care if you guys get sick of happy birthday posts, this one is extremely important to me, and i don't wanna send her like 300 million paged text.

TIFFANIE MICHELLE ALLEN (also known as tiffy)
my very best friend in this whole world:

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!i'm sure you thought i forgot, but you are highly mistaken! last year this time, i was preparing for your surprise party with your dad and some of your other close friends. i was so stressed out that it wasn't going to be up to par for your birthday, because if anyone deserves an amazing birthday, it's you. I'm sure many of you readers already know who I'm talking about, but if not- visit her here. she is by far one of the most amazing people you will EVER meet in your lifetime. i know people ALWAYS say that about their best friends, cuz really; in everyone's eyes- their best friend is amazing. but i can promise you, if you asked ANYONE that knows tiff what kind of person she is, they would all say how amazing, inspiring, talented, artistic, trustworthy, STRONG, warmhearted, selfless she is. I'm not kidding you, this girl is like an angel. she knows what she believes in and she sticks with it, no matter what trial is thrown at her. she looks at everything with positivity and is always looking to make someones day better. there is no one in this world that tiff doesn't find something good about them, she digs deep into peoples souls. i guess we even each other out. there are times when i am super judgmental and she reminds me not to be bitter and closed minded, without her, i probably would have committed a couple of murders by now, really. 

tiff and i have been best friends since 1st grade, when people say they've been friends with people their whole life- i'm not kidding when i'm talking about me and tiff. we have been complete opposites but the exact same since then. we caused problems since day one, always in the principals office and making our teacher sweat. we were the dream team. when i moved away, she was one of the ONLY ones that kept up with me and sincerely cared about what i was up to. when i moved back, i came home to a basket of goodies and a note, she was ALREADY making me feel better about the move. the first person i saw when i moved back to Utah, was her. we hung out in her room, talked about endless things, ate mini gummy bears, and rekindled that unique friendship that we have. we went through a rough patch my sophomore and part of junior year, and the summer going into senior year, we became inseparable again. my senior year started out perfect, and it felt like nothing could touch our friendship, we started a book that helped me learn that it's okay to trust, even in a little book. a decision for the better (at the time it didn't seem better), tiff left me at high school; and i was completely torn apart... to say the least. our friendship struggled once again, but graduation night, we went crazy (like we usually do) and we realized how we were so stupid for drifting again in the first place. she left me for the summer, came and visited me maybe twice, and i haven't seen her since :( 

this past summer i had a lot of time where i struggled, severely. there was one day i was laying in my bed, and i had just (i mean that day) sent our notebook- which hadn't been touched in months, to Moab, where tiff was living. I had written in there how i needed her so badly, and i couldn't wait to see her again; just so i could feel right again. I was laying in the dark, under the sheets (i know, I'm pathetic when I'm sad).. when someone barged in my room. low and behold, tiffanie allen, walked in my room. it seriously didn't feel real. God knew what i needed to feel okay for the next little while, and that was tiff. she brought me candy (she knows the ways to make me happy) and she just let me SPILL my heart out, i cried, and she just laid next to me in my bed. she accepted me, for all my mistakes and biggest insecurities from that summer, and she just laid with me. she reminded me that making voice recordings on her phone could even make me happy, just cuz it was with her. we watched our favorite movie, practical magic, because we are sally and gillian, i promise. she went and saw all her other needy friends ;) and came back at 4 am and we had a sleepover. literally, tiff came at the EXACT time that i didn't need anyone in the world, but her. God knows what i need to be brought back down to earth, and that is tiff; literally the only thing that works.

my step mom and i were talking the other day and she brought up something that made me think of tiff. my step mom said "there are just some people out there that you are connected to at the soul". and for me, that's tiff. i have other best friends, of course, who i care for dearly; but when it comes down to it at the end of the day, tiff isn't just my friend, or best friend- for that matter, or that cliche thing when people say their best friends are their sisters. i can't explain to you the relationship that i consider with tiff (this is starting to sound so lesbo, but let's be mature here). i have some of the worst trust issues in this whole world, but there is not ONE thing i would be ashamed to tell tiff. literally, nothing. she knows all of my deepest darkest secrets that i have never been able to open up to anyone about. tiff has never judged me, and held my hand while i cried for hours. she dried my tears, she held my secrets in her heart, and she trusted me enough to tell me things, i can't even imagine going through. people have always considered us old souls and people that are "the strongest", but we both know, that when there comes that time where we need to break down, we realize that EVERYONE has to have those moments; and we choose to have them with each other. yeah, we're at completely different ends of the united states, and when things get REALLY rough, we still are there; no matter how inconvenient it is with me all the way in Michigan. sometimes that gets so frustrating when she needs me, because all i wanna do is grab lots of treats and root beer, our movie, and drive to her house, or see her walk in my room; and make it all better. the thing is, were good at this long distance friendship thing, literally we've been doing it for years now, and for most of our friendship, we've been separated. one thing i know, is that tiff is a one of a kind person. someone you don't just come across, and someone i need to hold onto tightly for the rest of my life. someone i know is connected to me at the soul.

dear tiffanie,
i want you to know how much you mean to me. i know, people say that to everyone ALL THE TIME, but seriously. there isn't anything in this world that i wouldn't do for you. if you asked me to kill someone for you, I'd probably do it (I'm the violent one, we know this). you are an amazing person, with the strength of a zombie apocalypse proof house. you remind me everyday that life is an uphill battle, but it's better to make the best of it rather than dwelling on the hard times, and look at them as positive times that are going to make us stronger. i can't tell you how grateful i am that God gave me you.  when he placed me on this world, he knew i was going to need someone to keep me in line; and that was you. he knew i would need someone to tell me what's up when i least wanna hear it, and someone to keep my feet planted on the ground. not only have you touched my life tremendously, you've touched HUNDREDS of peoples lives. literally. i don't know one person that has anything bad to say about you, and if they did, you know i would chew them out. there isn't one person in this world i would pick to be my best friend, other than you. i know that if i were to pass on, you would make sure lu had a good life and would make sure she would know how much her sister loved her. i know you would check up on my mom to make sure she's stable without me, i know you would do anything in your power to do the things i could no longer do. i want you to know i will always be here. even if somehow we hate each other in the future (i doubt it, let's be honest; that never works out), i would still be there for you in a drop of a feather (that's a phrase right?). if you truly needed me, i would find a way to get to utah, in an instant (i might have to sell myself on the street, but i'd do it for you). no matter what you choose to do or become, i will always be behind you, rooting you on, being your #1 fan along with shaylee, amy, your dad, and mother, and a million other people that look up to you so much. i want you to know i strive to be even half the person you are. i believe God puts a handful of people on this world that are REALLY meant to change the world and be something great, and that is YOU; i have no doubt in my mind that it is. there's going to be times when you struggle, it happens; but i want you to know, no matter what time of day, or what i'm doing; i will be there! you are literally so gorgeous, i am one of the many that envy your natural beauty, and you're so humble about it. you don't flaunt your perfect body or look at the mirror for hours admiring yourself, you just ARE beautiful. it's going to be the weirdest and hardest day for me when you get married, i'm going to have to share you!!!!! i don't even wanna think about that right now... or ever for that matter. tiff, i could go on for hours and hours about stories and things i admire about you; but i know, in your heart- you know how much i value you as a person and the friendship you have given me. thank you for spending endless hours telling me it's going to be okay, thanks for making me realize over and over again that a boy isn't going to cause the end of the world for me, thanks for making me smile in an instant when i see your face on a bad day, thanks for the ENDLESS tears of laughter, thank you for the sleepovers we would have on school nights in the middle of your dad's living room, thanks for sharing your melted marshmallows with me, thanks for keeping my secrets even when tempted to let them out, thanks for cuddling with me when i feel like i've hit rock bottom, thank you for my anklet every single year, thank you for the random acts of kindness when we weren't friends but you knew i needed something when i was sick, thank you for being a grease ball that worships the sun like i do in the summer, thank you for not judging the choices i make that you would never think to do, thank you for being just as terrible with the notebook as i am (i wanna see that baby soon), thank you for trusting me just as much as i trust you, thank you for being just as weird as i am, thank you for having such strong faith, thank you for not judging me no matter what mistake i make, but most of all thank you for being you and not changing for anyone- because i really don't know what i would do without tiff, and honestly, i don't wanna think about it. you mean more to me then cuppy and blankey, and you know how serious that is!

tiff, happy 19th birthday, i'm so lucky that i've been able to call you my best friend for the past 12 years; i hope you party hard and remember that i'm thinking about you ALL day long and wishing i could be there with you to go bonky wonky! don't be laying upside down on any stairs without me, or faking the grudge. eat tons of treats and i hope you realized how loved you are today. let your dad know how thankful i am that he brought you into this world, i honestly could never thank him enough- as dumb as that may sound. there's so much more i need and want to say to you, but i'm gonna save that for another happy birthday post :)

i love you tiffanie michelle allen, forever and always.
my blood, your blood, our blood. til the day we die.

happy birthday best friend, i love you.

1 comment:

  1. First of all, I would just like to tell you that I cant remember the last time I've cried so hard.. They are happy tears; and that's an understatement. Tears of appreciation, of an overwhelming feeling of being loved, being known, being connected, being protected and looked out for, being... well, your best friend. I can't tell you how much that meant to me; I've never had something like that written about me, and it meant the world coming from the one person who knows the absolute most. If you were to see me right now, from my tear soaked, mascara smeared hoodie, you'd think someone in my family just died. Cass, I need you forever. I love you more than I can tell you, and I'd die for you without thinking twice about it. Where I would be without you, would be beyond unfortunate. You've saved me. You've been my angel. Nobody could ever take your place. Thank you for helping me stay strong and stay positive over the years; the hardest years of my life. Near or far, we've always had the connection where things go wrong at the same time for us. Thank you for always being there to let me cry and complain when those times go down. I can't believe how much has changed in a year. One year ago, I had just gotten a car for my birthday; was taking it out for a test drive, and my dad suggested I go to my aunt Romay's house to show her. I showed up to the benefits that you had spent who even KNOWS how long preparing and stressing over.. a house full of so many people who mean the world to me.. I was so overwhelmed, and couldn't help but cry! I've never felt so much love at once in my life. This feels like that again. Only this time, more than ever I wish I could hug you and cry on your shoulder. You've been the absolute best friend to me over these years. You know the secrets and sins that I'll take to my grave with me. You know the worst and the best sides of me and I'm so lucky to finally find someone constant who will never judge me or leave me when I've failed. I love you more than life itself Cass. Good hell, I'm sobbing, but I can't help it. Thank you for your amazing tribute; I don't feel deserving, to say the least; but I am more than SO grateful to have you as the other half of my soul; friends, sisters, kindred spirits; none of that even cuts it. I know we'll be side by side, in this life, and in the next. I know we knew each other before we came here, and we signed up to be each other's guardian angels. We've done just that. Thank God I have you. You've saved me. Thank you Cass. I love you.