You know that feeling where something is completely out of your hands but you want more then anything to voice your opinion, but it's just not your place? Well here, look at me, I'm exhibit A of that right now. And it sucks. Bad.
I want to be that person that is supportive no matter what my loved ones decisions are, I've always been that way. But why is it so different for me now? Why is it SO difficult for me to stand on the sidelines and wait... And wait... Maybe for an answer that no either way, I am benefitted.
That's what gets my anxiety really going, that I could be waiting for nothing; even if they don't make the choice you're hoping they don't. Does that make you a bad person for being selfish in ways? No I think not.
I once said to one of my best friends that being selfish can sometimes mean being self less, that you need to make decisions based on what's best for you so you can be a better person for your friends, even if it is down the road. I still believe that, and right now I am being selfish. In my own mind at least. I don't care how much I have to repeat that what I don't want to happen isn't going to happen, if denial is what I need right now; then so be it. I'm pretty good at denial.
When I get home at the end of the day and lay in my bed, the mascara washed off and the sweats on, the only thing I can think about is how lonely I really am. Yeah, all my friends reading this right now are probably thinking 'wow you have me, am I not good enough?' and yes you are, Kate Shalana Kelli Janessa Tiff Haylee Alex Brooke... Whoever is reading this, yeah you are good enough. But it's not the friendship part that's missing in my heart, and you damn well know that. without my friends right now, i don't know what I would be doing. So I thank you guys for that (not just the named ones). But something else is missing, and i don't know what I'm gonna do until I get that back.
One thing I do know, is that I've loved and I've lost, but I'm gonna keep moving forward; because I know there are bitches out there that want to see me fall, and I won't let them win. I haven't yet, and I never will.
A strong girl can admit she's hurting.
And I'm hurting, I don't care if the whole world knows, because you can only gain strength through struggle, and I've learned that the hard way.