I hate waking up from dreams bawling, and contemplating yourself and your decisions. In a weak moment I always give in, but what if that means something? I mean obviously not in every situation, but some, I can't help but wonder if that means that's my fate. I can't remember the last time I felt so empty. Yeah yeah, laugh at me for letting a boy make such an impact on my daily life. But he became my best friend, my EVERYTHING. He loved me just the way I was, he started liking me when he came and visited me when I was really sick, for heavens sake. He didn't care if I hadn't showered in 2 days, and his favorite thing to do was just to cuddle with me. I know we fight. A lot. But what good couple doesn't? I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm not the type of girl that can be single, I just don't like it. Not that I want to be taken by just any boy; but you know what I mean.
I know who I am, an I know I don't just waste a year and four months for nothing. And if it takes me some time to realize what's going to really happen, then so be it. But I'm not just gonna put him in the back of my mind and hope he disappears, because he's more then that. I don't care if you think I deserve better or he does, or whatever. You don't see how our relationship goes or how much love really goes between us. And if it means that this break up means we'll never get back together, then so be it.
Today I was driving around with my good friend, she took me to get a drink and a treat in hopes for me to feel better. But little does she know that she gave me such an insight, she said:
"everyone knows that you don't just let people walk all over you. You don't ever put up with anyone's crap. But you continuously let him walk all over you and you dealt with his crap. And it was so different, and not like you"
My response was:
"because I love him"
But I want you to really think, do I EVER put up with anyones bull crap? I don't just let people walk all over me, and I don't wake up at 230 in the morning sobbing from a stupid dream, and I don't cry over something so stupid like liking some girls picture on instagram, and I don't look at pictures for 10 minutes at a time feeling an empty feeling, but mostly I don't put so much into a relationship to let it just fail like this. I don't do all of that if it means nothing.
And I hope you know that. No, not you as in just my blog readers, but YOU too. And I hope you know, that your simple text you sent me tonight while I was sleeping, made me realize a lot.