relationships.

i might get a little contradicting, but spare with me. i am a huge person against PDA, unless it's like saying bye at the airport or seeing someone for the first time in months, kinda deal. but for some reason, i fancy cute couple pictures. yeah yeah yeah, i know a lot of them are posed. but i think those are the things that keeps me believe in truly being able to be in love.

somedays i think it is so far fetched that people can feel content with someone for years on end, but other days i don't think anyone is a bigger believer in true love, than i.

i guess there have been so many broken relationships around me that sometimes i struggle in believing in love. who could blame me? my parents are divorced and have gotten back together countless times, my grandparents haven't slept in the same bed let alone the same floor of the house since before i was born.. but at the same time, i think that's what keeps me holding on. i want to beat the odds in my family, i want to be the one to show them that a relationship can work, and be madly in love the entire time. i don't want to jinx it of course, but somedays i find myself dreaming (more like every day and night) of marriage, my wedding, being in love, having kids and just being done with wishing and not knowing what my future holds in that department. will i marry a return missionary? that's probably far from where you might think i am, but obviously if i fall in love with a die hard LDS kid, then so be it. i'll wait for them. what if i marry a hardcore nerd? hahah then i guess opposites attract. and maybe i'll marry someone JUST like me, that can happen too. i guess i'm just ansy to see what the man upstairs has in store for me and what kind of man he is going to bless me with. i think every teenage girl thinks of this.

in one of my all time favorite movies (i said that phrase just for you, mommy) there is a part where a sister is writer her fellow sister after her husband dies, and it says this:

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

ever since i was a little girl, that quote stuck out to me, i don't know why.. it just has.  (see practical magic, it could change your life)

i guess i just have a lot of mixed emotions about love, it can go 2 ways:

there is someone out there for me that will make me who i'm supposed to be, and be madly in love.

or 

there really is no one out there for me.

and i pray every night, that my fate isn't the second one.