horse.

how do you break a habit? - actually it's more of a lifestyle.

as long as i remember, i have constantly pushed people away that become to close to me. the moment i realize that i could get hurt, i draw myself back and basically stick my hands out in front of me and am like woooooah.

let me put it this way (since this is how i see it in my head).. you're running a horse, just straight sprinting, you're enjoying it, it's fun; then you feel yourself losing control of the horse and the reigns, so you pull back and say "wooooah" trying to regain control.

that's exactly how i am in relationships. my whole life, important men have left (except for my grandpa, hes the exception). my dad constantly left, my uncle passed away, and two past boyfriend. i constantly was finding myself believe it was just easier to not get close to guys, because they were just going to leave. that's what i've grown up believing. maybe it's worse too cuz my mom does it as well- who knows, but it's there.

a big part of me believes in second chances, i really do believe in them; but getting myself to actually give that chance, is the problem. if i feel threatened or hurt, it is extremely hard for me to believe a single word anyone says once they come back. in the back of my head i just think to myself "he left, he left you, he's going to do it again". but the real question is, is this healthy? i can answer this before you even think about it, no it's not. it's not healthy at all. but how can you go a whole 19 1/2 years of life living by this habit, and then just turn it off? you're not going to be able to just turn off the switch and put those feelings to bed, it just doesn't happen like that. you're going to be vulnerable- which is scary, i know.. but i have to force myself to at least try, because i don't want to be alone, and i don't want to be constantly worrying, and i'm willing to try my very hardest to fight that losing control feeling and to just let myself be, yeah i might fall off the horse and get hurt. but i'll stand up, brush myself off, and find a new horse that will make the pain worth it.