sometimes in the middle of the night, the memories pull at my heart. all the plans, the promises, the laughs, the tears, the yelling, the making up... it all pulls at my heart. somedays, it goes away for awhile, i don't think about those times, and sometimes i find myself completely forgetting what it felt like. those days i feel great, but sometimes lonely.. depends on the day and how i'm feeling.. but sometimes, it's like static; it goes away, but it's ALWAYS somewhere.. waiting to pop up.
today, i thought a lot about the memories, the plans, the promises, the laughs, the tears, the yelling, and the making up. it completely caught me off guard, but it was there. like a huge red sign with arrows blinking at it. it was there. it wasn't the random 'JUST THE WAY YOU ARE' playing on the radio, or 'WHEN I WAS YOUR MAN', it was just randomly there... like a swift kick in the stomach.
i'm proud of the decisions you've made. the person you've become, and the words you've stuck by. i'm proud to say that i fell in love with one amazing guy, and had him in my life for so long. i know right now, we are not what's meant for each other.. at all. we're completely different people then we were in that september of 2010. we have more to worry about then being late to school, and who found out we kissed first. life's different, and life changed us.
one thing it didn't change, is that i care about you like you've been in my life since i was born. i want to see you beyond happy, and achieve everything you want. whether it's being a firefighter, a sports physical therapist, or just a husband. i want you to have a beautiful life and a million babies.. okay maybe between 3-5. but whether you're with me or not.. i just want you to be happy. i want you to wake up and be so grateful that you are where you are. i want you to live a full, happy life.
today, i found out you're officially going to be going on a mission for 2 years. that last interview. it was weird to think that i didn't even know you had that interview.. that i didn't get a call, or that i wasn't waiting for you to come over after the interview. i knew nothing. like i said, life's different. but nonetheless, i am so proud of you. of course my instant reaction was sadness, but i am beyond proud of you and i hope you know i mean that from the very bottom of my heart. i hope you find what you need, and you touch a million peoples lives like you've touched mine. you are a great kid... well man i guess.
it's been a long road to get here, but here you are; and although i might not be walking this part of your life with you, know i still care. know i still hope that you're happy every single day. know that i'll always be that cass from september 2010 deep down, and you'll ALWAYS be that grant from september 2010.. to me.