Sunday, September 16, 2012

me, plain and complex

My name is Cassidy Amy VanSolkema, i was born into the arms of my ex-marine, hunk of a dad, and a hippy, off beat, loving mother on January 8th, 1994.
My mother and father split for the first time with I was 2 years old, and my father moved back to Michigan.

I lived with my mother, doing whatever we wanted. Drinking way too much tea and eating way too many shortbread cookies; watching practical magic way too many times, which led to our practical magic parties. She would let me dress in Tu-tu's and dance around the house, all night long. We grew up together.
 I grew up an only child and grand child for 7 years, spent a lot of time with my mothers friends and taking trips to the store with my grandpa and uncle. I wore bikinis since birth, and cared about my tan skin since I knew how.  In december of 2001, my first baby sister was born. Sophie Coco. She was born a perfect angel with bright blue eyes, and grew to have curly auburn hair that matted up when she slept. She was born with a little blessing called CHARGE syndrome, which is extremely rare. It left her partially blind and profoundly deaf, was tube fed, having a hole in her heart, retarded growth, and went to the hospital more then any baby should. She changed my life more then any little human could.
My mother and father decided to get back together when i was in the 3rd grade. At the end of that year, we packed up our things, said goodbye to family and friends, and moved back to the mitten. In the year of 2003, I lost my best friend/dad figure/uncle, Courteney Lord Hansen to a drug overdose at the young age of 25, the day after my mom found out she was having another girl. Our world was flipped upside down then brought back when my mother gave birth to Courteney (Lulu) Elizabeth, letting her continue on a one-of-a-kind man's name. She had blonde hair and big brown eyes. To this day there isn't a day goes by that I don't think about him, and thank God for bringing someone so amazing in my life to teach me so much, and then giving my little baby sister.
 In the 6th grade, my parents divorced, and it was just my mother, Sophie, Lulu and I. My mother and father needed to do some personal things, leading for Sophie to go into a foster home, and Lu and I to also go to foster care, but was lucky enough for my Nana and Papa to become our foster parents. My middle school years and freshman year of high school were extremely hard and when i grew the most in my life.

After 3 years, Courteney and I moved back in with my mother. My first term of my sophomore year of high school, my mom decided that we were going to move back to Utah. My mother had to come over a lot of obstacles and decided it was best if Sophie could go into another loving family, because she just couldn't be a single mom, work, and have Sophie as a full time job for she could not be left unattended. Before you judge and think how terrible it is, you have no idea the amount of time my mom spent praying, spending countless sleepless, bawling nights, deciding that this is what was best. We then again, packed up our things, said goodbye, and loaded Lu, my cat Stevie, and memories into a Uhaul.

My father met Megan who soon became my step mother. She brought into my life my step sister Savannah, my step brother Aden, and other step sister Kailee. Lastly, but not least, gave me my youngest baby twin sisters Maizy and Zoe. I've grown to consider them my family, and I can't tell you how thankful I am to have been given a second mother that I adore, and so many more siblings to love with all my heart.

I then went to Timpanogos High School. In high school (both Michigan and Utah), I thought I fell in love twice, gained and lost many friends, and found some that will last me a life time. My heart was broken, I was stepped on, talked trash about, and let down many times. I went to all my high school dances, and whipped my hair way to hard sometimes. I bought a lot of slurpees, and spent way too much money on attendance school and candy. I cried into my pillow many nights, gained a few tattoos, and got my nose pierced. I started this blog, and started to learn that not everyone is going to turn their backs on you. I started to really grow into Cassidy Amy VanSolkema.

I graduated high school, and had a care free summer, until the end.
My life was flipped upside down, making it so I would have to move back to Michigan, with Lu by my side. I then attended Grand Rapids Community College and only did one semester. I lived in my best friends basement for awhile, then later moved to my dad's house. I was reunited with my Sophie Coco after a long 3 years.

I lived in michigan for 9 months, had a knee surgery and on February 7th, 2013 i received one of the worst phone calls from my best friend shalana.. She began to tell me that one of our best friends, Sydney Taylor Bruning returned to heaven. I haven't experienced grief like that since my uncle passed away at the age of 10. I can't explain to you the amount of impact that girl brought into so many peoples lives, and continues to do so even from the heavens above. this girl has influenced me in ways I will never be able to repay her for, and I hope to God she is proud of all of us down here.

After such a hard loss, I then packed up my Subaru with all my stuff, and my best friend Alex and decided it was time for me to return to the mother land of Orem, Utah. & Conquered the 27 hour drive without stopping to sleep once..  We listened to endless music, ate endless treats, and had some amazing talks with the stars shining above us.

Once I got to Utah, YOLO was into full effect. I spent countless nights out all through the night, sleeping all day and then getting ready for the next night. Went camping, went to the sand dunes, had dozens of camp fires, hung out with all different types of people, attended concerts, and most of all made a lot of decisions I probably shouldn't have, & got my heart broken again.. But in all seriousness, I don't regret a single thing from my YOLO stage in 2013.

I then decided it was time to get my act together and find a job. I started working at a call center type place, and if you know me at all; you know that's not me at all. I soon left that job and found a job at a Boutique called SexyModest Boutique. From October until February I was just a sales associate, when I was offered a managing position.. About a week and a half later, I was managing BOTH boutiques. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I had purpose and actually loved what I was doing.

My mother, to this day is my best friend; we argue too much and sometimes say things we don't mean. A simple song can make me bawl for hours on end for the things it reminds me about. I eat tons of candy, am extremely OCD with the way my teeth look and feel, and I brush them maybe a little too often. I still dread doing homework and would rather watch trashy TV and blog. I dress bummy way more then not, with my hair on top of my head. I don't care what a single person thinks about me, except for my family. I like the sun way too much, and I take pride in my tan during the summer. I'm completely outspoken, and sometimes that get's me in trouble; but I like it that way. I believe in spirituality but not a specific religion at this time. I've had 7 knee surgeries, my tonsils taken out, and my appendix as well; call me the surgery queen. I could sleep all day long, and have bracelets all the way up my arms, and hands full of rings. My puppy Nalla is a real shit, but I love her so much. I like to wear boots, and have mad love for my Subaru Outback, named Channing (after my love Channing Tatum). I make mistakes, a lot; but I pick myself up and brush them off, and try to make myself a better person. I'm starting to figure out my life and what I want to do with it, which can be scary but I'm learning to embrace it.

My goal is to end up happily married to my best friend of a sexy man and have 3 little nuggets, 2 boys and 1 girl preferably, but I will take whatever God thinks I need. I want to own my own business called "Lulu's Candy" or be a news broadcaster on a show like Entertainment Tonight. I want to live in a homey house with lots of candles and pictures, and spend way too much time in my pajamas with my family. But no matter what, I want to live a happy life and continue to make a name for myself.

This is my life, all black and white, a little details left out here and there; but this is the gist of it. You can either take it or leave it, but either way this is ALL of me and my life. It may not be perfect, but it is mine and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
^^ 2012

^^ 2014


  1. i don't think you realize how much i look up to you. you're just you, loud and proud. nothing will change who you are, and you embrace life. you have your ups and downs, but that never stops you from being the best cassidy amy vansolkema that you know how to be.

    i just love you. a whole lot. thanks for always bein you.

  2. i will always have a clear memory of the day you moved back to michigan in third grade. haha did you tell tiff to "take over" the group? i don't remember!

  3. being honest with yourself is the most beautiful thing. your story is incredible. you are an amazing person, i can tell. thank you for sharing { not for making me cry } but i enjoyed every last word. what an inspiration!

  4. Hi dear!
    Love so much you're blog, is amazing!
    Follow u, my name in GFC is: sexy_paige_cucu.

    Hope u follow back :) :)

    A lot of kisses.

  5. what a great post to land on to get to know you better! love all the pictures! :)