Friday, June 22, 2012

Reality check

Yeah yeah yeah, I know it's been awhile. But whatever, there hasn't been much to say, rather then the usual ramblings and such, and stupid drama you wouldn't care about, and quite frankly I could give two shits about (sorry about the language).

This past month I can honestly say I've grown up a lot. I know it seems cliche, the new graduate, only been a real adult for a month, thinks her entire life is mature now. I can tell you, not everything in my life has been mature, but I've grown so much and learned even more, not only about people but about my life as well.

My family from Michigan came and visited, which was something I was looking forward to since I moved to Utah, that they all would come for graduation. I spent some quality time with them, showed them around, and just had a good time. It was good to know that even though both sides of my family don't get along, that they could put that aside for the love they have for me, and for that huge milestone in my life. Obviously it was hard to say goodbye, as it always is, but it was even harder this time. I decided not to go to Michigan for the month of June like I usually do, and my little sister still went. Which at the time didn't seem like that would be too hard for me hence the fact I'm always looking for a break from her (all you people with younger siblings, over 10 year span to be exact, can't say you've never wanted a break). In all reality, it has been really difficult for me. The house is so quiet, and I feel like an only child again. It really showed me how much I really appreciate my sister, all her terrors included.

My mom decided to get some energy work done called reiki or something, and got her tarot cards read. My mom didn't realize at the time that the appointment laid right on the same day as my uncle Court's birthday. If you have been following from the beginning, you know how important he still is in our day to day life. Anyways, she went to the lady and they started talking, let me just add right now, my mom didn't say a word about my uncle before this conversation and how it was his birthday. The conversation went like this:

Lady: did you have a loved one pass?
Mom: Yeah I did
Lady: and is it their birthday today?
Mom: yes actually it is
Lady: well I see a blonde male (my uncle) holding green balloons and says he wants you to give one to each loved one in the family.
Mom: (speechless)
Lady: he also wants me to tell you that you need to tell your dad that it's not his fault, that you love him, and how proud everyone is of him.
Mom: (in tears) okay

They keep talking and they talk about my moms an I's relationship and such then this happened. I'm not going to use real names, but if anyone knows anything about me or have followed from the beginning, you'll know.

Lady: do you know anyone by the name of -----?
Mom: well my daughters ex boyfriend from where we used to live is named that.
Lady: well your brother wants me to tell you to tell your daughter to stay the hell away from him, that he's bad for her, and could ruin her future. And he feels very strong about that.

My mom told me this at 1 am last night, and I instantly started crying. I don't care if you believe in people who can speak to Angels or whatever, for me this was a huge thing. My uncle knew what I had been struggling with for over 2 years, and he knew what I needed to really know it wasn't right to be involved with him even on a friend level. People have told me over an over again how I needed to block him out of my life for me to get over the past, and quite honestly we've grown apart because of situations an time; and I really have gotten close to over it all. But you know that feeling where you just feel like its not quite over, that there's something missing, or something needs to be said but you don't know what that is? That's how I've felt for quite some time now. But when my Mom told me what my uncle had said, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders an I finally knew what was right and I guess, I always knew was right. After, I walked back into my room and sat in awe, like how could she not know ANYTHING, and still know names and situations? It didn't feel realistic to me. But something I've always believed in, is that Angels work in mysterious ways, an my personal angel was my uncle. To you, this may seem like nothing, but to me, it was everything and more of what I needed.

This past little while, I've realized a lot of what's important in my life. It's not the high school games, the cliquey groups, the crushes on boys and all that stuff. Although, I believe you need that at a certain time of your life to grow up and have fun. But what has stood out to me most, is family and close close friends. The people who have ALWAYS been there, an even when they pass, they continue to look for your best interest and show you in ways you didn't think we're even possible, let alone real. To me, the unconditional love you have in a family, is unmatchable, an nothing can compare. I feel extremely lucky to have the family and close friends I do, because they mean the absolute world to me and I would be no where near the person I am without them. The mistakes I've made, choices they didn't agree with, they still chose to love me. No matter how much we fight, when something goes wrong, it all seems to disappear. And to me, that's all that matters in the end.


  1. Wow what a cool story Cass! You are such an example of maturity and you are unbelievably strong. I look up to you in so many ways. Love you!

  2. so absolutely crazy.
    Happy birthday Court.
    and such an amazing way for you guys to get to spend it.
    I love you.
    I love this.