dreams

so basically, i just had the craziest realization in so long.

i just woke up from a dream feeling lonely and confused as to why i felt lonely. this is how my dream went:

i was heading up to my room (my room in utah), and i knew my ex and one of my good friends was waiting in my room for me. i'm guessing i had taken awhile because i walked in and they were scrambling to stop making out. i instantly started bawling, and my ex goes:

"hey _____ we should probably go.."
me "no, you're gonna stay here, and were gonna talk"
me towards friend "i honestly can't believe you did this to me again, we've already gone through this and we were close again, and you just go do the same thing?"
friend "i know, i really am sorry, and it was terrible of me"
me "____ leave, but ___(ex) stay here"

so my friend leaves and i just interrogate my ex about why he would do that, and that we were doing so well again and things were finally looking up and ask him if he even wants to be with me anymore. he explains he doesn't know why he did it, says he wants to be with me and that it won't happen again blah blah blah.. so i get off the bed from talking and sit in the corner just sobbing, while he plays with my dog on the bed.

i start to get ready for dance (i haven't danced in YEARS) and start walking outside, he follows me out, and i ask him to drive me to dance; and we sat in silence. then i woke up.

i woke up angry at myself for even dreaming of him in the first place, i tried to convince myself of all the reasons as to why i would be dreaming about him; but i didn't want to believe it. then it hit me.

this is how our relationship always was! he would always do something that would seem break up worthy to everyone else, and i would let it go. every. single. time.

i would sit and cry and feel like he didn't even care (him sitting on the bed playing with my dog)
he would explain himself saying it wouldn't ever happen again, or even worse, that it wasn't a big deal.
most the time, it always involved a good friend of mine... awesome.
me always questioning if he even wanted to be with me anymore.
and then me letting it go.

at first i thought it was a memory of me missing him, even though it wasn't a good part of him. but then it became so much clearer to me. this is WHY were not together, and this is me finally seeing how wrong the things that have happened over the past 2 years, really are. don't get me wrong, i've made my mistakes and i'm sure he'd like to tell you ALL about them, because that's how he is. if he does something wrong, he finds a way to bring up something that happened almost 2 years ago, so that he's not the only one in the hot seat.

don't get me wrong, i loved this kid with all my heart and i guess that's why i stayed in it for so long, and he can be an amazing guy.

but the fact that a dream brought me so much clarity, shows that my heart and brain are trying to tell me something. i deserve better then what happened most of the time in our relationship, i don't deserve to feel like absolute shit for weeks on end because he hurt me. i don't deserve to be talked down to that i was overreacting and that it wasn't a big deal, when it really was. i don't deserve to be led to think things he said were true, and that he actually felt the way he said he did.. i don't deserve to be fooled.

there will always be a big part of my heart dedicated to this kid, he has been there through some really tough times in my life, but it's not in the spot of my heart that i thought he would always contain. he's in the part of my heart where all the people who have made me who i am, i sit and can think of how thankful i am that they came into my life and taught me lessons. if anyone of you knows who this is about, you know how big of a step this is for me, i dedicated my whole summer to trying to fix things, to keep getting shut down and led to think things would actually get better. but now, i'm done. he's done too. it's just taken us a long time to get here.

although my dream leaves me a little unsettled as it brings back old feelings of feeling not good enough and pain. i really am thankful that it happened, for none of this would have been realized. sure, i knew it in the back of my head, but if you know me, you know how stubborn i am about the things that i want; i tend to only see the good when i want something to work out, and only see the bad when i don't. it's just how i am.

but i'm learning to be happy with where i'm at in my life, and i guess saying goodbye to that part of my life is part of that learning to be happy.