what happens when you don't know who to trust anymore?
what happens when you lose all the people you thought would always have your back?
what happens when you feel completely alone?
well, i would be your living example of this. is it so wrong that i give people the benefit of the doubt too much? is it bad that i keep letting myself get let down by the exact same person? these are the days where i just want my best friend back, i have that continuous sick feeling. i don't think i will get her back this time. i'm sick of "she says he says" bull shit, i just want the mother effing truth. i know i sound really harsh and blunt, but that is all i want, and i never thought that was soooo hard to ask for. maybe i should have walked away, but i didn't. and that is my choice, and i live with my consequences. i'm sick of feeling like every person is looking down on me and my decisions, just let me live my own life.
sometimes it's really hard for me to come to conclusions with myself, that maybe i was wrong; maybe i should have listened to everyone. but maybe i'm trapped, maybe i do not have anyone else to turn to. have you ever thought of that? have you ever thought that maybe if you would have stood by me and helped me with my problems, i wouldn't be stuck in this situation, confused? it's nobodies responsibility to walk through my life with me and tell me what i should do. i have never needed that in my life, but maybe i need little whispers in my ear, maybe i need ENCOURAGEMENT that i can do it, even if i am alone.
i'm done being second and maybe even third best with my friends, i'm done trying so hard when they could give a crap if they see me or wonder how i'm doing. i'm done trying to find the friend that i need, that wont backstab me or bash on all my decisions. i'm done sitting at home waiting, just waiting for maybe an apology or even the freaking truth.
so world, let me know when everyone is going to man up and come clean. let me know when there is going to be someone who cares about me like i care about them. and maybe even let me know when my best friends are going to walk out on me next time.
and sometimes, i feel like that is just too much to ask for...