i always come here and want to spill all my thoughts in one second.. but it doesn't work, and i get here and it's blah.

don't worry guys, when my mind sorts its ideas out... i'm sure it's gonna be a good one.

forgiveness

"forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart"..

i'm not going say i'm the most forgiving person in the world; it's actually quite the opposite. 

i'm not going to say that i haven't sat there and thought to myself "how dare you do that to me?".

i'm not going to say i haven't had a lot of hate in my heart over the years.

i'm not going to say i haven't let bad experiences affect me in a negative way.

i've struggled with forgiveness my whole life, it's never come easy to me. but something i've learned over the years; is there's a reason for everything. there's a reason why someone had to walk out of your life when you needed them most- you don't know the demons they're fighting within themselves. there's a reason that that boy broke your heart- you don't know that it didn't break their heart as well.

i can sit here and blame events in my life for this problem with forgiveness, but i think that is so cowardly. everyone has their issues, but EVERYONE has the strength to overcome them. although it may be a slow process where you check one thing off at a time. it's not easy.. i can tell you that much. but it's progress, and how rewarding is progress in life? but as i've grown older and had my heart ripped to pieces and felt defeated many times by people i love more than the air i breathe, i've learned that forgiveness is the only way to bring peace into your own heart. forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you.

although i know this is going to be a slow process of breaking down a cement wall, but i've got my sledge hammer and i'm ready for it.

so today, i forgave a long grudge from my childhood; and my heart feels a little fuller and the ache feels a little less dominate.

embrace uniqueness

so as i stand squating in my tub, as i wash out the remaining teal dye that is coloring the blonde in my hair.. my mom says to me:

"i don't know how _____ & your _____  could raise you.. you're such a hippy child, and don't care. you're SO my child"

in my head i kind of felt bad for my mom hahahah.. i realized, i was indeed squating in a tub, washing out that remaining dye that was turning my hair blue..

i also got a tattoo this weekend. yes, you read that right.

my mom didn't say anything but sigh when she returned home from a camping trip of working all weekend, and was exhausted.

my mom secretly likes that i don't care to the point that i put temporary teal in my hair. or that i got a sick tattoo.

i think it reminds her a little of herself. and her youth.

i mean, i am heidi's hellian daughter after all :)

i may get some dirty looks from some moms in walmart- or glances at a farewell of a dear friend. but i really don't care, not in the slightest.

don't fear being unique guys; embrace it. we're not all supposed to be the same anyways.

love & boys & realizations & lessons

you know those "that reality pretty much just smacked me in the face with a pan" moments? - well i had one of those recently.

i have been infatuated with boys since i can remember, like 2 or something (not even a joke guys- started getting googly eyed over boys pretty young. ha). i have fallen for a couple of boys, from opposite ends of the spectrums. the first love, the boy that was completely opposite of me, the kid i've known since grade school. i've also tried to convince myself that plenty of boys were 100%- no make that 1000% times different. *yes i was often disappointed when a lot ended the same.

boys can be D-Bags.  people can be real D-Bags. & a lot of the time, we decide this based on LOVE.

why is love so freaking hard? blinding? exhausting? confusing? always different then we think? but then again so rewarding when it's in its prime?

i think all good things come from hardships, trial and error, time, and experience.

if i were to be with a guy that my young high school self thought was the perfect match for me, i'd be one sad girl.

don't get me wrong. every single guy in my past shows a different chapter in my life; the different versions- well molding- cassidys that i've been. and i'm so grateful for all my experiences; but with all the things i've learned i DO want, i've also realized what i DON'T want.

it's crazy. seriously.

a boy i hung out for ONE WEEK simply showed me that a guy i've been hung up over for years just wasn't for me anymore. something i struggled with for so long. gone, in one short week. no i didn't fall in love with one week boy, we just had a lot of good vibes, conversation, and realizations together. and helped me realize that i'm an alright girl when you get to know me, and all my mistakes don't define me blah blah blah cliche whatever, but in all seriousness!

that's something i love about dating (sort of really hate dating but this is one of the very few things i like)- is that you can learn from so many different people about the different puzzle pieces that will make up your beautiful love that will come someday. you'll be able to glue together that puzzle, put it in a frame and hang it on your living room wall. whether you date them for 3 years or one week, people are the best teachers.

anyways, so recently i had a realization of how used to it i was to be poorly treated. that i was more uncomfortable with the fact that a boy was treating me right. that yelling and harsh words were more my norm then uplifting words and kind gestures. i was talking to my mom on the phone about it and it went like this:

me: yeah he's a good guy, has a good head on his shoulders, super respectable and really really nice to me. it's kind of weird.
mom: cass, that's not weird. that's good. that's exactly what you deserve. someone that treats you well.

now let me back up before i go forward- i'm not saying all my exes treated me poorly, i believe it was a mutual immaturity shared between us, and lack of experience on how to deal with typical relationship issues.. anyways, when my mom said that to me, it hit me hard.

isn't that were all striving for? someone that treats us well, makes us swoon, and someone you just wanna kiss 200 times? not someone you're constantly irritated with, exchange harsh words, and end up crying over?

it's crazy what can happen to your brain when you justify such actions, it becomes your norm- and honestly, it's really sad. that you can sit there in debate with yourself in your head with "well he said he wont cheat again, so we'll give him one more chance." no. no, 10003532 times no.

so my point is: ladies, be who you are and don't change a single thing. don't change your values, hobbies, and way of life. but never forget to accept their values, hobbies, and way of life. there's going to be someone out there that is going to treat you like gold regardless of your life choices or past. he's gonna think your mistakes aren't necessarily great- but is in acceptance that if those thing wouldn't of happened, that you wouldn't be who you are today.. he's going to ask you what each mark on your body is from, and is going to be non-judgemental when you tell him your shameful stories that gave you those marks.. he's gonna wanna hear about it because it involves you- and he likes you.

people are cool, guys. you just gotta give them a chance to show you they're half alright.

summer, man

all you need to know is that summer has been rad:

what's summer without laying out?

Grand Teton Mountains - Shadow Mountain, Wyoming

Gros Ventre River, Wyoming

Grand Teton Mountains, Wyoming

First Night Sunset with the best friend!

Alpine Loop, Utah - Ft. Paige denting her car.

Softball Games

Adventures of Paige & Cass- Destination this time: Park City, Utah

'Til next time, peeps. Maybe I'll make it back to talk in deets about my Wyoming trip... But maybe not.